Doctor Robert Throsbeagle and his team of grad students at Indiana State University are working on a new computer technology they claim will change the face of the computer industry forever. Uno (Pronounced “You-know”) is the world’s first supercomputer that performs calculations in unary.
What’s unary? We’re all familiar with the decenary (or ”decimal”) number system which represents numbers with a vocabulary of ten symbols, and some of us know binary which performs calculations with two. In contrast, unary makes do with one, as Throsbeagle – whose professorial mien is tempered by a down-home folksiness he’s retained from the farm on which he grew up and refers to continually – explains.
“Well for instance, if we’re working in binary, we’d write four as one zero zero, But in unary we actually use four of the same symbol to represent four, so we’d write one one one one. And similarly, to represent five we write one one one one one”
Fair enough. But-
“ and of course, six is one one one one one one. Seven is..”
Yes, I believe I grasp that. But what advantage does unary have over more conventional computational models?
“ Well, although it only has one less symbol than binary, the saving of this single digit pays big dividends when it comes to size.”
So the unary system allows computers to be smaller?
“Hell no. You’re thinking in the wrong direction son. Computers used to big as Aunt Betsy, real whoppers. I mean they took up entire rooms, floors even. But now they’re about the size of bread boxes, if you’re lucky. I see it as a failure of ambition. And actually, it’s dishonest. It’s corner cutting. Back home on the farm, we were taught that if you do a job, you do it right. I mean, just because you can represent a number bigger than say a thousand with only eleven symbols, rather than say, a thousand of them, and it’s easier to do that, and you make some savings in terms of the God almighty dollar and the God Almighty cubic meter, that doesn’t mean you should now does it? You get me? I can see you don’t get me.”
My attempt to understand the justification of the millions of dollars of taxpayer money invested in the Uno project lead me to the Engineering faculty basement, where -in addition to approximately one fifth of the relays, circuits and valves that constitute the present state of Uno, I find Norman Gibbon, a PhD candidate in electrical engineering, who keeps his workspace, and apparently his bedroom, in a cramped corner beside a loudly humming fridge sized power transformer. Norman looks like a typical pallid and undernourished grad student, but more so. I have to repeat some of my questions a few times, muffled as they are by the paper towels I’m holding over my mouth: it seems Norman might maintain his bathroom here as well.
“Well,it’s certainly the kind of project that inspires you to say things about it. Or one thing at least. One thing repeatedly, again and again and again. But Throsbeagle has this policy about controlled release. I’ve seen him kick students off the post-grad program.for talking out of school, I mean ruin lives. “
Sure, but perhaps just some broad strokes or background-
“-but I don’t care about that any more. I’ve had it. The guy is basically the worst person I’ve ever met. Why doesn’t he build a perpetual motion machine like any normal kook? Fuck.”
So if the Uno project is so completely without merit, why is it being funded?
“That’s actually the most intellectually stimulating question to come out of this whole shit show. I got this theory that he’s maybe he’s somehow making farm subsidy claims on the government, and pouring them into this instead. He grew up on a farm, I know that much. Because its the only other thing he talks about. Has he invited you out to the farm yet? If he invites you to the farm, don’t go. Just don’t.”
So, given that, what does the future hold for Norman?
“Well, I was thinking that maybe I could scrape enough together to go to dental hygiene school. But, where I’m at right now, I think it’s more likely I’ll just go ahead and take my own life.”
As arranged, I meet Dr Throsbeagle on the field behind the University grounds, where he will attempt to clarify the motivating ideas behind Uno.
“How many blades of grass do you think are growing on this field”
I pause to consider. Ten million? One hundred million?
“A hundred million? Hah? Get out of here boy. Nothing’s that big”
Well, given there’s about a twenty thousand per square meter.”
“Alight, alright. Whatever. That’s not the point. Point is if we got Uno to count them, we’d know. And not only would we know, we’d really know. Because we would have one “one” for every blade of grass, so we’d know we have’t cheated but really counted the grass, I mean, counted the living badoongah out of that sucker, We’d know it in our balls how many. And to me, that’s what Uno is all about. Do you get me now?”
Although I will watch the emerging fate of the Uno project with interest, I decide it’s time to take my leave of Throsbeagle and Indiana State.
“You don’t get me. I can see you don’t. You should come out to the farm. Things just make more sense out there.”
Uno is scheduled to enter the supercomputer market in April next year.
First published in Doctor Zo’s Aperiodical. Reprinted with permission.
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